If we knew what really happened behind closed doors we would most likely be shocked into disbelief more than any reality show could produce. For example….The picture above is around two days of consumption. It always fascinated me how much my fallen hero could consume. Well, until his liver began to disagree.
Yes, this was my life. A life that no one knew until now. A piece of my life that I share with you simply so you will always remember that you can survive any storm. Yes, this was my life that no one knew. I had to take a picture one day because I knew no one would believe me when the truth came out. I had lied for so long that I think I even had myself fooled. However, reality had me not wanting to go home and praying that he would be passed out by the time I got there. Sometimes luck shined on me. Others, not so much. However, I gave vows “for better or for worse…” I was eagerly waiting “for better.”
Why would you even bother in the first place?! Well, it wasn’t always like this. In the beginning he prepared for war. I knew what he could become even if he didn’t see it himself. I could see it. And I would save him from himself. I just didn’t know that he was already lost beyond reach. No one bothered to tell me the past until they dropped him in my lap and said, “Best of Luck!” It was okay. I knew who he could be. I could save him….
War came and he wasn’t allowed to drink overseas. I would tell him out loud, “There you are…” He’d smile and tell me he loved me, and I believed he did until the war ended. I can say that there were “for better” moments. I just don’t remember them very well with all that replaced them. Yes, this was what my life had become.
We had an ongoing epidemic that I referred to as the #vodkaflu. He had it a lot. It kept him sick on the couch as our living room turned into the picture above. I despised the #vodkaflu. It took away what “for better” memories I started with. It left me alone to support us both. It made me bitter and hateful and not liking the world at all. Sometimes it even left me alone at home because he had disappeared with no word at all. But no one needed to know the #vodkaflu consumed my house. So I became really good at smiling and acting the part of a proud military wife. Behind closed doors was another story. There were holes in the walls, venomous words that will never be able to be taken back, hand to body contact, and a desire to lock the bedroom door and pray we didn’t touch in bed when sleeping. Yes, this was my life. See what things we find when we open closed doors? See what storms hide that no one knows….
Yes, that WAS my life, and after 5.5 years of realizing I couldn’t save someone who had no desire to be saved himself, I laced up my shoes and I ran. I escaped the storm. I escaped the alcoholism and #vodkaflu that almost caused me to completely drown. This storm was not going to take me. This storm was going to carry me!
So here I sit with two years of freedom under my belt. Recently, I found that I would be free forever. The fallen hero had fallen for good and would not be getting back up. Liver failure shockingly enough. He put himself on a path of destruction and a desire to simply drink himself to death. A path I could not follow. I had to lace up my shoes and save myself, and despite the fact that some blame me for his end I know that there was nothing more I could have done before leaving. I couldn’t save him, but I could save myself and I did.
The storm carried me to safety and on my own separate path. I was not the same person, and I was going to stay that way. So Chasing Stormi began. Now I have a new life. A life of being uncomfortable, making new friends, finding adventures, and smiling for real once more. So tell me….are you ready to lace up your shoes and run with me?....
We all have personal storms that we face. Some big, some small, and some in between. Here are some of my personal storms. Are you ready to run with me?....