It’s funny how many times we find ourselves starting over in a single lifetime. Most of the time not even from our own doing. I know I haven’t gotten to write in a while, and I can’t remember the last time I had the opportunity to go on an adventure. However, I did want you to know that I continue to step outside of my comfort zone to see where life takes me. Summer school pushed me to a new limit, and two months ago I inherited a job duty that was a pure guessing game that I couldn’t seem to guess quite right. So after two months of struggling, stating continuously that I needed better training, and didn’t know how to fix what I was doing wrong because I didn’t even know what it was I was doing wrong I grew incredibly ill.
What cancer had invaded my life to make me so sick yet again? I cut off some inches of my hair hoping to remove some of the weight that was keeping me cemented to the bottom of the ocean floor unable to breathe. Unfortunately, although it did help with my headaches it didn’t help me with my heavy heart. It was clear what was wrong. My work environment was becoming more hostile every day and no matter how hard I tried my best wasn’t ever good enough. Mama bear came to the rescue with her ongoing wise advice yet again. “One breath, one step, one day at a time, baby….You have already walked through the fire, this is just a little heat from the backdraft.” Another friend reminded me that I was too valuable to be taken advantage of or made victim of. There had already been enough of that to last a life time.
So I pushed aside my desire to not rock the boat and looked the boss man in the eyes stating for the hundredth time that I needed better training and was doing the best I could with the tools I was given. I have never been called unprofessional in my life, and this man uttered that word 27 times in less than 24 hours. I was also told I wasn’t taking accountability for my inability to do my job correctly. In my head I hear Lana from Archer say, “nnnnoooopppppeeee.” And just like that I had no job. At 36 I was on the hunt for a new job and trying to collect my self-confidence and worth once more.
Luckily there were plenty of people that were excited to have me as an employee. Things are tight, of course, due to being in between paychecks, but it’s worth digging for change in my couch cushion knowing that I am no longer overworked, underpaid, unappreciated, or a victim. However, something unexpected happened. Yes, I found a new job. Yes, I am already feeling better and making new friends. Yes, I was beaten down to the point of illness and inability to function. But what I wasn’t expecting was how quickly I bounced back. It did not take so long to find my worth. It took zero seconds to not regret standing up for myself. I have been stepping outside of my comfort zone and developed a brand that I couldn’t be more proud of that it was easy to find myself at peace quickly and getting back to loving myself like I deserve. So a project that was started to simply help get me through my divorce and change my ongoing unsuccessful path has become my new life line.
I’m winding down as I work towards finishing my AAS at JCCC. I also found that I have an ability to go even further than expected once I transfer to Park University. I will never stop writing and sharing my experiences with you. They might not be regularly as I would like, but I am not leaving you even as my life seems to be getting crazier and crazier until I finish school. I am here for you and will never be giving up on you. Don’t worry; we will be adventuring together sooner than later! So if you feel like stepping outside of your comfort zone is just a silly adventure to spend your extra time on, know that it does make a difference, especially the more you stick with it. You will bounce back faster. You will find your self-worth faster no matter who tries to take it from you. You will appreciate yourself and all the amazingness you have to offer. So isn’t that worth getting a little uncomfortable?....
I had gone through summer school before; however, this was a more challenging summer semester. I was trying to conquer accounting which has always been a subject that I have struggled with. Business Law was actually interesting, but I spent my whole 4th of July weekend missing family and friends as I continued to try and tackle 11 very long chapters, and I did an internship that wasn’t the growing experience it was supposed to be. How the heck did my friends who had families, worked full-time, and attended school full-time stay sane while getting their BA, MA, or even Doctrine? Granted, I typically work a minimum of 45-50 hours a week in a very stressful setting, but I was only going part-time and I was still dying! I’ll admit that next semester scares me even more because I will have to bump it up to three classes, and I’m not sure I am truly capable. School is harder with medication to slow this ADHD brain down, and they help to make it impossible to truly remember anything. Anxiety fills my mind with the fear that people will expect me to be an expert right out of the gate once I have that piece of paper that says I know what I’m doing. I’m just not 22 anymore. I really do require some sleep. I felt like I was drowning and didn’t know which end was up!
Then a good friend reminded me of something that I always seem to forget. She said, “Breathe….Life is stressful. It always will be. We will never be able to remove all anxiety and stress completely.” We just have to get used to being “uncomfortable” like we do with our adventures.
School is scary, especially as an adult going down an unpredictable path. However, I’m lucky enough to have all my friends and Storm Chasers to help me push through when times are tough and dance with me when final grades come in, and I’m a semester closer. This has been a challenge that has brought excitement, anxiety, and even tears, but that’s what makes life worth living.
Although I don’t get to see Nana as much as I would like, her encouraging phone conversations put my heart at ease. She never misses the opportunity to tell me how proud she is of me which is only a small reason why I love her so much. I have seen no friends really, but they make sure to keep me posted, send me encouragement, and make me laugh when I’m frustrated. Love is beyond the size of space. It surrounds you by putting people in your path to remind you that it exists every day. Even people that you never thought would be in your life again and yet are here and starting fresh making life a little nicer in general.